Once upon a time there lived a little girl in a village whose grandmother was running for President. Indeed, this grandmother was very political; so much so that she gave her beloved granddaughter a red cloak with a hoodie. Thus the girl came to be known as “Little Red Riding Hood.”
The grandmother liked the color red. In fact, she believed it was better to be Red than Dead. The grandmother was so fervent in this idea she imaged herself to be the spawn of Red Indians, which resulted in the grandmother’s political nickname — Pocahontas.
One day Little Red Riding Hood’s mother loaded the girl with campaign donations and sent her to Grandma’s campaign headquarters. “I have heard,” said the mother, “that grandma is in low spirits since Wall Street stopped sending her donations. These offerings will make her very happy.”
Little Red Riding Hood set out at once to her grandmother’s campaign headquarters. She traveled along a path through dark woods, stumbling upon an illegal Marijuana grow tended by the Mexican Mafia.
The criminals contemplated robbing, raping and murdering Little Red Riding Hood; but several agents of Immigrant and Customs Enforcement (ICE) were searching the woods at that exact hour, and the criminals were afraid the girl’s shrieks would give them away. So she passed unharmed.
Arriving at Grandma’s campaign headquarters Little Red Riding Hood could not help telling her grandmother about the Mexican criminals growing dope in the nearby woods. For this her grandmother chastised her: “I am very disappointed to hear such racist sentiments from my own granddaughter!”
“Oh grandma,” said Little Red Riding Hood, “You are so very left wing!”
“The better to stop Trump from making America Great again,” said Grandma with a grin.
“And what big lies you tell!”
“The better to swindle these deplorable rednecks, my dear,” said grandma with a wink.
“And grandma,” added the girl, “what little regard you must have for my future that you champion the cause of foreign lawbreakers over my safety!”
At these words grandma Pocahontas was transformed into the very image of an angry Indian warrior with a whirling tomahawk — which was promptly used to kill and scalp Little Red Riding Hood.