Look, Bullwinkle, a message in a bottle!

Rocket J. Squirrel

Once upon a time there was a swamp; and in this swamp was a toad named Dennis “the Kraken.” It is a curious thing for a small and grotesque amphibian to bear such an exalted nickname; yet this toad could bloat himself to several hundred times his normal size, taking the shape of a legendary cephalopod from Scandinavian folklore – the terrorizer of fjords and sea lanes – known in Old Norse as the Kraki. When bloated to Kraken size, Dennis was outfitted with artificial tentacles “fanning” out in every direction. But his tentacles were not his own; for Dennis was only a puffed-out toad made to look like a Kraken, with the insignia of a three-letter agency tattooed on his caboose.

In this guise Dennis “the Kraken” was akin to a baited hook. The nefarious scheme of the swamp went something like this: Important fish would be lured to swallow this toad (along with his monstrous false likeness). In this way they would become unwitting toad-eaters; or, as the dictionary calls them: “toadies,” “servile parasites” or “the assistants of toad-eating charlatans.” On swallowing this hideous toad, believing it to be “the Kraken,” the victims would be hooked for good. In fact, they would be reeled in by the swamp and turned into swamp creatures.

Here was an insidious plot whereby the swamp could colonize what remained of a Healthful Land – turning it into a den of vipers, a habitat of crocodiles – a malarial abyss. In such an elaborate operation, Dennis “the Kraken” needed help coordinating his unwieldly tentacles. For this purpose, the masters of the swamp sent him a swamp-squirrel sorceress named Mary “Mountebank,” whose disheveled sidekick was a squirrel named Alvin (not to be confused with the famous singing chipmunk). Of all the Outlandish Duos of our time, Mary “Mountebank” and Alvin were not the patriotic moose and Squirrel of Rocky and Bullwinkle fame. These “secret squirrels” were rodents of an altogether different type; for their mission was to forestall a mighty effort to drain the swamp.

Historians will record that the swamp itself had become the great problem of the age. In fact, the swamp was engaged in a campaign of aggressive colonization, capturing whole states and cities, spreading its foulness on every side. Of course, there were those who wanted to drain the swamp and purify the land. Leading this effort was one of Gotham’s greatest superheroes, the Orange Man. As rich as Bruce Wayne, able to build tall buildings in a single financial bound, the Orange Man defeated – against all odds – one swamp creature after another. In an epochal battle, Orange Man annihilated the Wicked Witch Hillary by crushing her under an electoral house.

After the inauguration of the Orange Man, a new movement began. From orange coat-tails various characters from Gotham and elsewhere emerged: The Mayor of Gotham, General F, Ms. Lady Lawyer, Mr. Dorsal Finn and the Pillow Man (among a host of others). Little did our heroes suspect, Dennis “the Kraken” and the Outlandish Duo of Mary “Mountebank” and Alvin (not the chipmunk) were planning to “swamp” them all. Various bad eggs, hatched in the stagnant depths, bubbled to the surface. First came the evil and slimy dossier, the seven dwarfish advisors, the Fake News fairies, and the nefarious Dr. Wuhan Fauci. Through all of this the swamp coined the slogan, “Orange Man bad.” They likened him to “Agent Orange,” an environmental toxin. They said he was a stooge of Boris and Natasha, accusing him of high crimes and misdemeanors.

Far, far away, in the Middle Kingdom, a cunning team of scientists under the Bat Woman, came up with a solution known as The Evil Wuhan Bat Soup Recipe. This culinary delight was specially brewed to destroy the re-election chances of the Orange Man. One bowl of this infectious concoction and all the world would catch the sniffles; and from these sniffles the stage would be set to upend the normal electoral process in the Orange Man’s campaign against the swamp.

Dennis “the Kraken,” with assistance from the Outlandish Duo of Mary “Mountebank” and Alvin (not the chipmunk) began their operation against the Orange Man’s friends. Using Dennis’s bloated torso, they hooked many small fish to get at the big fish. With Mary “Mountebank” at the controls, the vast tentacles attached themselves to General F’s Lady Lawyer. Standing next to the Mayor of Gotham she spoke of “releasing the Kraken.” The world held its breath and turned blue for waiting. There was no Kraken, but only a small toad named Dennis. Many were sucked into the swamp, including the Pillow Man. Even that cunning fish, Mr. Dorsal Fin, disappeared from the surface of the waves.

Those who refused to swallow the toad were kicked to the curb by the rising tide of the toad-eaters. The Orange Man was suddenly surrounded by toadies who spoke of glorious days ahead. Meanwhile, Boris and Natasha were advising their swamp-crawling friends to press their advantage on 6 January and beyond. At the same time, the bat soup kitchen in Wuhan was preparing a new recipe for the final culinary strike. Soon the net would close and Boris’s boss, Fearless Leader, would enter the theater and announce that everyone was under arrest.

Mary “Mountebank” had successfully enveloped the Orange Man’s inner circle with a bodyguard of lies. The Healthful Land was in danger. The Kraken, on which the bigshots believed, was merely a small toad named Dennis. How could it have happened? What will now become of Gotham and the Orange Man? Will Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose rally the country from their secret bunker in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota?  Will Rocky use Grandma Moose’s Fudge Cake Recipe to thwart the Outlandish Duo and their evil toad? Don’t miss tomorrow’s exciting episode of

The Pillow Fight, or Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.


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26 thoughts on “The Kraken That Was Not: A Fractured Fairy Tale

  1. I agree that there is something “off” about Mary and her incredible claims, but regardless, their end game is to run out the clock while we are still trying to recruit players and find a coach.

  2. Epic!

    Can’t wait to see Bullwinkle pull a rabbit out of his hat.

  3. BRAVO, Jeff.
    But truthfully, it is so much worse than this.
    The elected leaders and bureaucrats on all sides are laughing all the way to the bank, and then the pedo orgy.
    It is just a “Big Show.”

      1. Your endless foreboding holds no water. It is all you do. Have you not noticed?

  4. No, they haven’t noticed, but Jesus told the people to leave the blind religious leaders to themselves. Blind leaders of the blind, and they eventually will all fall into the ditch…

  5. Only poor people wear masks. The well off don’t notice that Covid restrictions in California, have not been lifted. Anyone who depends upon public services has to wear a mask or volunteer a vaccination passport. It won’t be requested. That would violate the Medical Privacy Act. One has to beg for the privilege. The public libraries for instance, are empty, but for a team of grinning greeters, who might as well be hostesses from IHOP. Six years of education to recite rules to patrons who have merely half an hour to work. The private sector has been ordered by Governor Newsom to commit economic suicide, but civil servants keep their jobs. Will their income taxes be sufficient to pay their own salaries, or will the libraries have to close and the buildings be sold? Do the Liberians intend to vote for Newsom in the recall, or will Smartmatic do that for them? How long can this last, before total economic collapse?

      1. Why Jeffery, I do believe you’re becoming an optimist.

        Woody Allen says that he believes that the glass is half full; but of poison.

      2. I am an optimist in Woody Allen’s sense. But actually, I think my readers like to pull my leg. It is amusing to be accused of being an optimist and a pessimist all at once. It’s all the same, since consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

  6. Woody Allen is like a Character out of a Russian novel by Dostyoevsky. Unfortunately Allen is like ‘Svidrigailov’ in ”Crime and Punishment” or ‘Afansiy Totskiy’ in ”the Idiot”,if you get my point…

      1. That’s quite possible. And that allows me to circle back to the crux of this essay (funny,this) and the previous one on infiltration; people are their own worst enemies. And in this day and age, it’s best to at least strive for a more moral lifestyle.

        I do not know the deal with all that ”Q” business and the conspiracies around the 2020 election. America has had stolen elections before, most modern nations have had I imagine.

        The ”Q” thing is kind of a twist on the usual right-wing conspiracy theory, in that there is a Manichean good guy conspiracy versus a bad guy conspiracy that is posited. It’s most curious. I get Anti-Communism, but I find many Anti-Communists to be rather peculiar human beings, interesting to say the least. But what am I to make of these stories of cannibalism and human sacrifice and vile orgies in secret dungeons, run by the American ”Deep State”, and yet part of that Establishment is alleged to be fighting against this? What a narrative!

        And the elections… Personally I do not care about or for elections, they are basically a lamb and two wolves deciding what is for dinner. But so many on the Right don’t think of a possible trap set for those who cannot bear the results, either way regardless of who wins. It is quite bizarre and has become quite laughable. No results will be overturned, not without force of arms. And then you’ve crossed the Rubicon; what next? They don’t even know.

      2. It is the problem of moose and squirrel vs. Boris and Natasha. The culture is sunk in this kind of diverting narrative. The reason we fight for a clan, tribe, city or country is because we belong to it. The thing is to defend our home. This does not mean, however, that the moral dimension disappears. There is more than one dimension.

  7. Mr. Nyquist, you said;

    ”It is the problem of moose and squirrel vs. Boris and Natasha. The culture is sunk in this kind of diverting narrative. The reason we fight for a clan, tribe, city or country is because we belong to it. The thing is to defend our home. This does not mean, however, that the moral dimension disappears. There is more than one dimension. ”

    This is what it comes down to; a tale capable of falsification in one aspect (The QAnon and redemption from electoral disaster narrative) but in another, quite true… Provided that Heroes arise from their paralysis, and destroy the Evil from within and without, with the understanding that wisdom and discernment are the strongest weapons of the Hero. Americans are very far from understanding what fairy tales are, while other countries have come to retain theirs as a wisdom that is hidden. I humbly ask with that in mind that you watch (perhaps with anthropological interest if nothing else, seeing what hidden themes exist) this movie, a ”fractured fairy tale” in a sense, during a difficult time (1939) but quite timeless;

    ”Vassilisa the Beautiful”


    ”…. As well as the folk wisdom…”

  8. Jeff, not sure if you can comment, I have been talking with some of the Hong Kong Independence Party members, there have been concerns voiced about groups like Stand with Hong Kong, Hong Kong Watch and etc. One of the concerns raised by the Hong Kong Independence Party Members is the BNO Visa scheme (British National Overseas visa scheme). Groups like Stand with Hong Kong and Hong Kong Watch are telling the British Government to welcome so-called ‘Hong Kong’ people in because they will be protesters, but the Hong Kong Independence Party has submitted a warning to the British Government that they will not be receiving people who took part in the Hong Kong Protests but Britain will be receiving CCP spies and agents instead I.E Nathan Law and today, Stand with Hong Kong appeared on the Atlantic Council telling the US, Canada, Australia and British Government to set up a immigration scheme to take in more so-called ‘Hong Kong’ people:


  9. And here Mr. Nyquist, is some more of the old ”Folk Wisdom”, with it’s meaning, for those who will read or hear it;

    ”Emelya the Fool; or By will of the Pike, do as I like”


    (By the way, that music playing is from the ‘Gusli’ musical instrument, from the Old Russia)

  10. And Mr. Nyquist, here is a movie about a Gusli playing Russian hero of fairy tales; ”Sadko”,who is like Aladdin with a Russian twist;

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